Thank You
by Arashi no Baka
Summary: [TV-Verse]They are the easiest words to say. But sometimes it takes a lot to mean them. John takes it upon himself to comfort a brother. The Eldest Brothers Converse on their feelings. Alan Talks to Jeff.[3 of 3]
1. Thank You

Thank You

By Arashi no Baka

Disclaimer: I do not own. Nothing.

Notes: Just a little something that came to me last night. Not really much to say. Only I have a tendency to mix the Movie and Tv show together ;; In this fic I seemed to have used the Movie ages and yet the popular belief for how Lucille Tracy died. I have no idea, but I'm going by what most people say.

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Updated 08/31/04: Thanks to Bograt for pointing out my mistakes :P I went through and proof-read it! That'll teach me for not doing it last night, won't it? Anyway's, it should now be okay. No spelling mistakes! Wahoo!

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I used to hate you….

John Tracy stared down at his sleeping brother in barely contained affection. The thought sprang to mind as easily as though it had been conjured, but he wanted to take it back. It was hard to imagine anyone hating the small figure in the bed. There were times when even John found himself disbelieving that he could have ever felt that way.

But it was true.

He sighed slowly and ran a hand through his blonde hair. He didn't know why he'd come in here really. What was he hoping for? To apologise? Forgiveness? His brother wouldn't want either. He was probably still angry, and John knew he had every right to be.

The arguments that had shattered the peace of Tracy Island in the early hours of the morning were still fresh on everybody's minds. But it wasn't unusual for there to be some friction on this day, but the nasty comments and angry yells had been unexpected.

Although maybe not for their youngest.

Alan Tracy had seemed to always be at the centre of the arguments, and John could well understand why. March 13th was always hard on the family. But it was supposed to be a day of joy and happiness. For Alan at least. Hiding his pain and suffering had always been a talent Alan seemed to perfect. Nobody had any idea what he felt.

Except John.

The quietest Tracy knew well what Alan was hiding beneath the cool exterior. Whilst his brothers knew better than to pry, John figured it his duty to understand what was wrong with his brother. Scott and Virgil, though worried, knew that Alan would never tell them what was wrong. Gordon probably already knew. Despite the four-year age gap, both boys were almost inseparable when they were on the Island at the same time.

John, however, was perhaps the only brother Alan would open up to. Gordon would have accepted Alan's problem in his stride, but he lacked the emotional drive to follow up the admittance. John didn't. And he needed to know what was wrong.

They all did.

The arguments were tearing Jeff Tracy apart. John's father felt the distance between him and Alan widening with every passing day. And John couldn't understand why. Whilst Alan worshipped the ground his father walked on, he always seemed to find a way to make his father angry with him. And Alan himself was aware of this more than anybody.

And John wondered how much it really hurt him.

His smile faded as Alan stirred. The smaller blonde raised his head from the pillow, and John swallowed his words before he could speak them. Alan refused to let anyone see him cry. He saw it as some kind of weakness. He always had. But now, Jon felt his heart clench at the tears stained cheeks of his youngest brother. The red-rimmed and puffy-eyes belied Alan's determined expression.

"What?"

The words lacked the venom to make them intimidating, but John knew his brother didn't want him in the room.

__

Tough…

"I came to apologise."

Alan's snort was derisive and John bit back a nasty retort. He _needed _to do this. If not for him, then for his whole family.Alan didn't deserve this. He never had.

"Why bother? It'll only happen again next year"

The bitterness in Alan's voice cut straight to John's heart. How could they have missed so much? Their youngest brother had been in pain just the same as them, maybe even more, and they had ignored it all. In favour of their own feelings.

"I'm still sorry. For what its worth."

"Not much."

Jon bristled at Alan's quick sweep aside of his apology, and almost snapped at him, but stopped when he saw the naked pain in his brothers eyes. He hadn't seen that look since Alan had said goodbye to him when he'd left for Thunderbird 5. And it still, even three years later, hurt the same.

Alan spoke again, filling the silence.

"You have no idea how much it hurts John. Today is my _birthday_. And do you know how I spent it? How Ispend _every_ birthday? Wishing that _I_ had died instead of mom."

The words slammed into John as though Alan had punched him. How could he have been so _bloody_ stupid?! _That_ was the problem! And John hated himself in that moment for not understanding sooner. He gripped Alan's shoulders and pulled him round roughly to look him in the eye.

"Don't you _ever_ say that again Alan! Don't you _dare_!"

"_Why!_"

Alan's yell was practically a shriek, and his eyes begged John to give him an answer, even as his mouth spoke words that he has been keeping silent for a s long as he could remember.

"Why not when I believe every word? And You! Don't try and tell me you never wished it either! You _hated_ me! I'm not stupid John. When I was growing up you could hardly stand to _look_ at me! All because you felt I had killed mom! And I k_now_ that the others feel the same. Da…"

Alan cut off before he could finish and John released his little brother.

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Dad too…

Alan's unspoken words hung in the air and John stared at his brother in silent contemplation. How had they let this sit for so many years? This should have been talked about long ago. He knew that he had never bothered to see how much this day had affected Alan. He, like his family, had suspected that Alan would survive this day that same as he did every other.

"All I ever wanted was a normal birthday. Like you. You don't have to spend the morning wondering what you can say that won't hurt anyone. You don't have to spend your birthday knowing that you're the reason your brothers don't have a mother. Why _you _don't have a mother."

John watched the tears fall from Alan's eyes. He wanted to hug his younger brother, but knew that Alan had to instigate it.

"I'm so sorry Alan."

It was almost a whisper, but it sounded too loud in the uncomfortable silence that followed Alan's statement. The younger blonde sniffled slightly and brought his eyes to meet Johns again.

"All I wanted was for one of you to ask me what _I_ felt. But you never did. You just assumed I could handle it. but I can't John. I _cant_…"

Alan sobbed into his hands, and John threw caution to the wind. Reaching over, he grabbed his younger brother in a hug and Alan buried his face in his shoulder. John stroked his brother's hair, not able to find the words to comfort his brother.

As he rocked his brother back and forth, he noticed the door swing open a little. Light flooded the room, but Alan didn't move. He sobbed louder and John's heart ached. The eldest Tracy stood in the doorway.

"John? Alan?"

Alan froze and John cursed. Alan pulled away from his brother, to stare at their father. Before he could move, John spoke.

"Can you give us a minute? Please?"

He added a pleading edge to his voce, trying to make sure his father got the point. Jeff Tracy looked to Alan and then back to John. Nodding slowly, he pulled the door closed. Alan sat back from his elder brother and John wondered if they had suddenly reached square one again.

"I don't know how hard this has been for you Alan. I admit that yes, when you were younger I hated you. But mom had just died and I worshipped her the way you worship dad."

Alan's head whipped round, and John lifted an eyebrow, daring him to disagree. When the blonde said nothing, he continued.

"But I grew up. I knew that you had nothing to do with it. That it was just one of those things. I hate March 13th. But not because it's your birthday. And not because you're here and moms not. But because mom _died_. And I will _never_ hate you for that Alan. Never again."

Alan stared at the floor for a long time before speaking so softly, John had to strain to hear.

"The others will…"

John snorted and made sure Alan was looking at him when he spoke.

"Don't be so stupid. Scott would kill us if we even _suggested_ it. I don't have to tell you how protective he is of you Alan. And that includes himself. He'd probably shoot his foot off or something if _he_ even thought it."

The smile on Alan's face at that made John's heart feel a little lighter.

"Virgil loves you too much to be able to think that way. He misses mom almost as much as I do, but I _do_ know that he's _never_ hated you. And never will. He spent ages looking after you when you were younger."

Alan's eyes took on a distant look, as though trying to remember.

"And Gordy? _You_ should know better than to believe he could harbour thoughts like that Alan. He's practically your other half. I doubt he could even _imagine_ thinking you are responsible."

He put a hand on Alan shoulder and their eyes met for the last time. But Alan didn't pull away this time.

"I know we haven't handled this well at all Alan. We were so busy wondering about our own feelings that we completely ignored yours. But I know for a fact that Dad would _never_ resent you for living where mom died. He's proud of you in so many ways Alan. And he loves you so much. We all do. And _nothing_ will change that. Ever."

Alan nodded slowly, and pulled John into another hug.

"Promise?"

"With all my heart Alan. And you should _know_ that."

"I do now."

They sat their, in their hug, for a little while longer. Eventually Alan pulled away and his blue eyes sparkled with something John understood.

Love.

"You didn't have to apologise."

"I know. But you're my brother. And it's the least you deserve."

Alan smiled again and stood up, knowing that he had to face the rest of his family. John sighed slowly and then smiled. Standing beside his brother, he put a reassuring hand on his arm. Alan stared at him in silence for minute. His next words showed John that he was grateful for everything they'd spoken about tonight.

"Thank you."

They were the simplest things to say. But sometimes they can be the most heartfelt words you'll ever hear. John knew that they were also spoken for things to come. And by his side John would be. He had to make up for the past mistakes he'd made with his youngest brother.

Mistakes he wouldn't make again.

__

You made me realise how much you mean to me Al. Thank you.

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Oh dear. Why would anyone write _that_? shrugs R and R? Or not?….


	2. Hurting You

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Thank You

By Arashi Doragon

Disclaimer: I do not own Thunderbirds. That right belongs to Gerry Anderson, and to him I am eternally grateful for bringing Thunderbirds into my life

Part Two: Hurting You

Notes: I had to write a second chapter. This is 2/3. Yep. Three chapters. Just because. Although this chapter features the brother heavily, I am in love with the father/son relationship between Alan and Jeff , so expect _that_ conversation in the third chapter. --. Anyway's, hope you like this as much as the first, and be sure that there's another fic from me on the way. Once I get around to posting part 4 of Judas. Enjoy and I've decided to make this Tv-verse. So Alan's 21.

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I hated you…

Alan Tracy stared at his father, unable to from the words to say what he felt in his heart. The sight of John next to him filled him with courage. Courage he may not have been able to summon otherwise. The conversation with his elder brother had really helped him and he was grateful for John in every way.

When he had told Gordon what was bothering his brother hadn't been able to lift the depression settling on the youngest Tracy's shoulders. Alan hadn't expected any of his other brothers to try. Least of all John. Especially considering it was John and his father with whom he had the biggest argument of the day.

He almost winced and felt the touch of his brothers' hand on his arm. Taking a deep breath, he looked his father in the eyes and spoke. His voice sounded alien even to him but he couldn't keep this in anymore.

"I'm sorry dad. For what I did."

There was silence in the Tracy lounge. The other three Tracy brothers regarded Alan in barely contained wonder. It was a well-known fact that Alan _never_ apologised to their father after an argument. After a fight, the two would slip into a sort of agreed truce and things would carry on. This…this was new.

Jeff seemed to share the same thoughts as he searched his sons face for any indication of what was bothering Alan. He knew that he had walked in on a precious moment between the two brothers and since then he had wondered what could have caused Alan to cry on his brothers' shoulder so profusely.

And he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that he was in some way responsible for the tears.

It pained him to know that he wasn't as close to his youngest son as he would have liked. Alan had always been independent and bristled at anyone who tried to exert control over him. Something Jeff had long since learned. But he was also aware that he had kept Alan at a distance for a reason.

A reason for which he had no excuse.

The silence was beginning to eat at all of them. Before Alan could open his mouth to speak, Scott broke the uneasy stillness of the room.

"What's going on?"

Alan didn't want to answer Scott just yet. He needed to speak with Jeff first. Turning a pleading look on John, he tried to make the elder blonde understand without using words. John, who was more adept at reading Alan than the youngest Tracy realised, turned immediately to their brothers.

"Guys. Can I talk to you a minute?"

Scott looked set to argue, but saw the expression on Alan's face. Realising that John would be able to tell them what Alan could not, he nodded slowly, and pulled on Virgil to follow him out. The middle Tracy followed amicably, but Gordon remained where he was.

It took a glare from John and a prompting expression from Alan to get him to move, but he wasn't happy that he couldn't be with Alan. John gave his youngest brother a reassuring glance before he followed Gordy out of the door.

Jeff understood that his youngest boy had something to tell him, and the look on Alan's face told him he wouldn't like what he was going to hear.

"What's this about Alan?"

"I wanted to tell you why I've been acting the way I have."

* * *

"What happened?"

John met Scott's imploring stare head on. Deep down he knew that Alan would need support right now, but the younger boy had made it clear he wanted to do this alone. He resigned himself to telling his brothers about it.

"He thinks he's to blame for mom dying."

The silence that met that statement instantly put John on his guard. He hoped, with all his heart, that his brothers would support what he had told Alan, and follow the reactions he had suspected. As he looked at each brother in turn, his heart fell. Surely they _didn't _blame Alan?

Gordon's reaction lifted his spirits a little. The definite harsh glare reminded John of his earlier words and he cocked his head to one side in an inquisitive manner as Gordon sputtered a reply.

"That's so _stupid_! The idiot!….gah! I have _no_ idea what he was _thinking!_ The stupid git!"

The words continued to pour from Gordon's mouth and John smiled slowly. He could have hugged Gordy in happiness had he not noticed Virgil's expression. The middle Tracy looked almost guilty as he stared at the floor, not opening his mouth to say a word. John knew that was bad sign. Of all the brothers, John had suspected the resistance to come from his artistic brother. Virgil had been closest to their mother, his talents born from hours of love and attention from Lucille.

And John couldn't deny that when they were younger, Virgil had never been close to Alan. It was only after Alan's accident at the Island waterfall, that Virgil had become almost dangerously protective of the younger blonde.

And Scott had that dangerous protectiveness too.

John recognised the elder brother's expression almost immediately. It was one of self-hate. Being the eldest brother, he should have known something was wrong, and John knew Scott saw it as a betrayal that he hadn't helped when he could have.

"Virg? What's wrong?"

The minute John opened his mouth he wished he hadn't. Scott and Gordon saw the expression on Virgil's face and realised immediately what the problem was. John knew that the expression currently residing on Gordon's face was a dangerous one. And one that spelt trouble for Virgil should he say one word he didn't like.

"I…"

Virgil couldn't speak and the emotions on his face made John feel vaguely sick. He was going through everything John had gone through whilst talking to Alan. So. Virgil _had_ blamed Alan. The question was did he _still_ blame their little brother?

"It's all…"

"Hell no! It is _not_ alright John and you know it!"

Gordon's words were harsh and cut through the tense silence like a knife. The red-head rounded on their middle brother, his glare daring Virgil to admit that what he was saying was wrong.

"How could you even think of blaming Alan? He had no control over what was happening!"

"I'm sorry okay!"

Virgil's heartfelt shout silenced Gordon for a second.

"I never _wanted_ to blame him, but he was just…easiest. It means that I had _something_ to vent my frustrations on…my _hate_. I couldn't help it. I loved mom so much that I needed something to help me deal with what I was feeling."

Gordon stared down his brother, adamant that he was going to have the last word.

"So think what Alan's going through. He didn't have that to fall back on Virg. How do you think he's going to feel, knowing this?"

Gordon's words pierced Virgil's stubborn silence and Scott's silent depression. John had remained out of the discussion, feeling that he had already accepted what had happened and knew that Alan now had him. Would he have his other brothers too?

"He deserves that from us."

Scott and Virgil turned at his words and Gordon nodded vigorously. The eldest Tracy sighed slowly and ran a hand through his hair. John felt it was time to help out _this_ brother too.

"Scott…I don't know what you're feeling right now, but I know you think you're responsible. Believe me, I feel the same way. But if Alan didn't _want_ help, he sure as hell wasn't going to take it."

Before Scott could open his mouth to reply, Gordon felt it his duty to throw in his two cents.

"And I know you have the whole I'm-big-brother-and-I-should-have-known thing going on, but it really _isn't_ your fault for not knowing. _None_ of us bothered to find out what was wrong."

Scott sighed slowly, and nodded, but John knew that this wasn't the end. He knew that Scott would probably be reflecting on this for a long time.

"How am I supposed to apologise for this?"

Virgil's soft words brought further silence to the room. Jon knew that Scott, who would normally be the first to comfort his brother, was in no position to do so and stepped in, lying a hand on his brother's arm.

"I think he already knows how you feel Virg…"

Scott's eyebrow raised and Virgil stared at John in surprise. Even Gordon turned to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"When we spoke in his room, he cried on my shoulder. Man, but he was _sad_. I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He was so _sure_ that we'd all hate him forever because of this. I had to say something."

Gordon's lip quirked upwards as he realised what john was trying to say.

"What was my reaction?"

Virgil and Scott still looked bewildered but John smiled at the red-head. Gordon understood. When it came to Alan Gordon _always_ understood.

"I told him you wouldn't even be able to _think_ of hating him. Let alone doing so. And I guess I was right."

Gordon nodded smiling now, and Scott finally understood what they were talking about.

"What about me?"

There was a small smile playing on the eldest boy's lips and John grinned.

"You would shoot your foot off before hating him."

Scott chuckled and Gordon snorted, trying to cover up his laughter. Virgil however, regarded John slowly, seeming to understand that John had covered for him as well. But how badly.

"And me?"

John hesitated, and put Scott and Gordon back on their guard. Virgil felt his heart constrict. Bad.

"I told him you loved him too much to think that way. I told him you didn't hate him and never would."

Virgil felt like crying. But he pulled himself together. How could he face Alan now, knowing that the small blonde believed what John had told him?

"Virgil?"

The brown-haired Tracy looked up to meet John's eyes.

"Don't beat yourself up over it. I hated him too. And I admitted it. He understood. He knows how hard this is for us. But we have to be here for him now. You need to focus on that. Your guilt will mean nothing if it doesn't go right in there."

John brought the situation down to earth with a bump. Scott almost winced. Jeff Tracy wasn't going to like hearing this from Alan.

The rift between Jeff and Alan would either be fixed today. Or would widen so rapidly that there would be no hope of repair.

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Done. Last part up soon. I promise. R & R?


	3. Look At Me Now

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Thank You

By Arashi Doragon

Disclaimer: I do not own Thunderbirds. That right belongs to Gerry Anderson, and to him I am eternally grateful for bringing Thunderbirds into my life

Part Three: Look At Me Now

Notes: I finally did the third chapter. Woot! A Father/son scene that I've wanted to do for a long time. **Sighs** Hope you Like. Sorry it took so long.

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"…I hated you…"

The words seemed to come from far away. Jeff Tracy hadn't felt pain like this in a long time. His son was struggling to form the words, holding back his tears with strength only Alan Tracy could find. He was pale and his hands shook where they rested by his side.

How Alan had managed to find the courage to tell him all of this was beyond Jeff. His youngest son had never had much time for his father. Their fights with each other bridged the gap that had existed since the blonde's childhood. A gap that Jeff had never managed to re-form.

A gap that was widening with each of Alan's words.

He'd done wrong. He knew that. He'd kept Alan at arms distance for one reason, and one reason only.

Whilst Virgil had retained many of his mothers art, John, bless the kid, had inherited her blonde locks and her love for the stars, but Alan…

Alan seemed to be the living embodiment of his dead mother.

And the pain that Jeff felt every time he saw him had become too much. He didn't have the courage to face that part of his life. He, Jefferson Tracy, named the Man Of Steel in his Airforce days, had been too _scared_ to face his son. And realise that there was never going to be a way to escape his wife's memory.

He forced himself to focus back on his son.

"…I hated you…"

Jeff felt his heart clench. He shouldn't have been surprised and the pain in Alan's voice belied the animosity he always showed whenever Jeff was around. Alan hurt as much as he did. So why were they unable to bridge the gap?

"I never wanted to tell you that."

The words were spoken softly but to Jeff they were like a shout, ringing in his ears.

"Because I loved you too much to hurt you. I tried so often to tell you what I was feeling. That I was hurting. But you ignored me. _Always_. When I needed you most, I could never find you. And then the arguments started…"

The pain in Alan's voice was all that Jeff could hear. Why had he been so blind to his son's pain? Why had he not noticed that Alan had needed him? The answer was obvious, but still Jeff could not admit it to his son.

And on some level he knew why.

When Jeff was being truly honest with himself, he knew he had spoilt Alan as a child. When they weren't arguing, they were doing something. Even Scott had not seen as much attention from Jeff that Alan had. And in return the tow-headed junior had worshipped his father. Jeff knew how much his son looked up to him. And that was why he could not admit that he could hardly stand to look at his son sometimes.

When Alan had outgrown his junior phase, things had changed.

The blonde had sped through kindergarten and was soon enrolled in the middle school of Kansas State. And from the first day he set foot inside the gates Alan knew he was different.

Many of the other children noticed the absence of either parent and the bullying had begun. Forced to defend himself, and his family name, Alan began to change. Gone was the sweet boy who had cuddled up on his father's knee at bedtime. Gone was the young blonde who had waited for his brothers on the edge of the house steps to come home. Gone was the Alan Tracy Jeff had loved.

In his place was a moody and unpredictable bully, who brought home his rage instead of saving it for school. As the school years progressed, so did Alan's hostility. When he entered Kansas State high school, Alan's notorious behaviour continued, now under the watchful eyes of his brothers.

After a particularly vicious assault on one of the schools pupils, Jeff had been called up to the school, and had brought all five of his sons home, alarmed that they had all been involved. Of course, the antagonist was yet again his youngest son.

The largest argument to date had rocked the Tracy family. Alan's hot temper had flared against his fathers and that was the first time Jeff had gotten an impression of why his son behaved the way he did.

Even now, years on, the memories were still fresh. Alan's words had hurt then, the truth in them like a stab to Jeff's heart. Alan had battled his way through middle school, fighting off students who had fought him over the absence of any parents. They taunted him over being a son nobody wanted, and Alan had taken the words to heart, even going so far as to believe that Jeff had _really_ thought he was a bad son.

And now, Jeff realised what the problem was between them.

As much as they both had liked to think they had gotten past this, they hadn't. Jeff was still never around and Alan still thought of himself as a bad son. The eldest Tracy waited patiently for his son to finish. They would solve this today.

They _needed_ to. For both their sakes.

* * *

John hadn't wanted to eavesdrop.

But his brothers had all wanted to know what was going on between their father and brother. John felt it a betrayal of Alan's trust in him, but at the same time part of _him_ wanted to know too.

So, when the door to the room flew open and Alan ran out, it was John he barrelled into, sobbing immediately into his brothers chest. Scott and Virgil looked through the door, at their clearly distressed father. Scott nodded at John to take care of Alan, and slipped into the Office, Virgil on his heels.

* * *

Gordon helped John half-carry, half-walk their distraught brother to his room, and closed the door. John pulled Alan away from him, trying to look into Alan's eyes. The young blonde was having none of it, but whispered into John's chest.

"I _told_ him…everything…I _told_ him…"

Alan's voice was startled, and John got the impression that Alan couldn't quite believe what he'd done. The elder blonde exchanged looks with Gordon, who stood next to Alan, and put a hand on his shoulder. Alan tensed underneath it and there was a pained look on his face that made both elder boys wince in sympathy.

"It'll be okay Alan…"

Gordon's words seemed to make Alan even more upset. If it was possible.

"No. And I don't think it will ever be again…"

* * *

Scott was fast losing his patience.

They'd been in the room with their father ever since Alan had fled it ten minutes ago, and Jeff hadn't spoken one word. Virgil was standing against the wall, farthest from his father's desk, hand on his head, massing his temples.

"Dad…We can't help if you don't tell us what's wrong!"

Scott words seemed to penetrate the fog of Jeff's mind, and he looked in his sons eyes. Scott felt sick at the amount of pain he saw in them. His father stared at him for a minute, before looking once more at the range of portraits on the wall. His eyes lingered over Alan.

"Since his eighth birthday I never once told him I loved him."

The statement took Scott and Virgil by surprise. They both looked over at Jeff and Scott opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it when he realised Jeff wasn't finished.

"Not even when he was stuck on that bridge and I thought I might lose him. I never told him then either. And I should have. If he'd died…"

There was anguish so deep in Jeff's voice that it cut straight through Scott's heart like a knife. He swallowed and then spoke slowly.

"But he didn't die."

"That's not the point. The point is I've kept him at arm's length for reasons I'm tired of trying to justify. And I keep telling myself that I couldn't look at Alan for fear that all the pain of your mothers death would re-surface. And this morning it came to a head."

Scott winced as he remembered the argument that had shattered the peace of Tracy Island that morning. The words had been harsh. From Alans statement that Jeff was no parent fit to call himself so. And with John, leaping to the defence of his father, and Jeff himself, both hinting at the fact that had Alan not been born they would have Lucille back.

Virgil spoke up for the first time, his words seeming to penetrate Jeff's melancholy mood.

"Then maybe you should be telling _him_ this."

* * *

John stroked Alan's hair absently, watching the slow rise and fall of Alan's chest as he slept. It had taken them a while to get Alan calmed down, and it hadn't even been John who'd achieved it. Gordon had climbed onto the bed beside his brother, holding Alan close to him, the blonde's head on Gordon chest. Lulled to sleep by the beating of his brother's heart, Alan was soon fast asleep, and John had returned to the room to find Gordon asleep beside him.

The hurt both boys were suffering cut deep into John. Because he knew that Gordon suffered too. Better at hiding it than Alan, the red-head made sure that nobody knew what he was feeling, but the connection between him and Alan meant that he felt both lots of pain.

And nobody had any idea.

John felt sad at that thought. That Gordon had to hide how much pain he was in, just so that they could focus on Alan, spoke volumes about how much Gordon loved his younger brother. And how far he was willing to go to save him.

He was startled from his thoughts by the door to Alan's room sliding open. His blue eyes stared into his fathers saddened ones. Slowly, he retracted his hand from Alan's hair and stood up, his legs groaning in protest.

"You wanna speak to him?"

Jeff nodded and John reached over to ruffle Gordon's hair. He stroked his brother's face, leaning over so he was whispering in his ear.

"Gordy? Wake up bro…"

There was a moan from the red-head's lips and he turned to face John, his eyes opening slowly. He stared at john, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion until he saw his father in the doorway. He spared a glance for Alan and then pulled away from his blonde brother, who moaned at the loss of warmth.

John slid an arm round the half-asleep Gordon, and slid the door closed behind them as they left the room. Jeff stared silently down at the sleeping form of his youngest son. Sitting in the seat John had just vacated, he sat back. Virgil was right. He _did_ need to tell Alan.

But he didn't know how.

__

I love you.

Alan stirred the loss of Gordon's warmth, rousing him from sleep. When he saw his father, he jerked off the bed, unsure of what he wanted. Jeff blinked slowly, and spoke just one word.

"Alan…"

__

I want you to know that. I love you more than you'll ever know. More than I can ever show. I clung for so long onto what you weren't that I forgot what you were. And I know that I hurt you. I am sorry. More sorry than you'll ever forgive me for. And I can see now how I've hurt you. How I hurt all of us. It was never intentional.

Alan stared at his fathers strong features, set into an expression of pain and sadness, and every wall he'd built Up against his father broke. Tears fell down his cheeks unbidden, as his father's arms came around him.

__

I loved her too much.

Jeff stoked Alan's back as his son cried against him. He wondered why he hadn't done this sooner. It was what they both needed.

__

I saw so much of my beloved wife in you. And I couldn't accept that you weren't_ her. I blamed you. I admit that. Not to you though. Never to you. But now…now I can see the damage I have caused. You should never have had to bear this pain son._

The words wouldn't come to Jeff's lips. They only played out in his head. But somehow, he knew Alan understood. He tightened his hold on the blonde, trying to keep Alan close. There would be no distance between them now. He'd make sure of it.

__

And the pain I feel at her death is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I know I let you down.

Jeff sighed slowly. He heard Alans breathing even out, and realised his son had fallen asleep. Closing his eyes, he pulled Alan close, so that the two of them were comfortable on the chair. It wasn't even strange to him that his twenty year old son was sprawled across his lap like a little child.

Because to Jeff he still was. They were back to the beginning again. And this time, they would do it right.

He kissed the top of Alans head, and spoke three last words, before falling asleep.

"Thank You Alan…"

* * *

throws hands in air

Done! Yes! That's it. Finito. End . Finished. About time too. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I love it : P

R & R?


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